Free Will Is For Suckers: Lessons From a Philosophy Degree

When I was in college and told inquiring Actual Adults™ that I was majoring in journalism and philosophy, the response, without fail, was, "Oh." A pause. Then: "What are you planning on doing with that?" I always suspected the first, less appropriate question that came to mind was something like, "So how much pot DO you smoke?" (Answer: Less than you might have expectd, but still more than my mom would want to believe.)

My response, like everyone in their early-to-mid 20s who doesn't know what the hell they're going to do to avoid living on streets, or worse, in their parents' basement, was: "Probably go to law school." Luckily I fell into a marketing internship and ensuing marketing career, and thus avoided the grad school debt trap.

If anyone wants to know what I actually ended up doing with my philosophy degree, the answer is nothing. Sometimes I fantasize about going to grad school to continue my philosophy degree. I basically already have the wardrobe (lots of shabby sweaters), and maybe this time I'd do better at fulfilling the stoned philosopher stereotype. But then I remember that I'd have to take the GRE, which sounds like a real downer, and also I like being able to afford fine luxuries, like food that isn't ramen noodles. 

Despite its day-to-day uselessness, my philosophical education is not something I regret when I reflect on college. (Edward Winehands, however...) Even though there's really no place for a discussion of scientific realism or cultural relativism in the office, I was introduced to several aspects of philosophy that have ultimately shaped the way I see the world, including: 

Psychological egosim: This is the view that people are always, ultimately, motivated by their self-interest. This position turns people off because it claims even the most altruistic acts are performed for selfish reasons. For example: You see a homeless person begging on the street and give him your shoes. And we're not talking nasty Crocs. We're talking, like swanky Brooks Brothers loafers, or whatever it is middle-aged rich white dudes wear! You gave them away, to a stranger in need, out of the goodness of your heart. And not at all because doing something so nice makes you feel good. Yeah, right, says the psychological egoist (and I). 

Symbolic logic: Even though symbolic logic isn't a philosophical view or argument (it's basically calculus), my logic course changed my worldview by making me reconsider my longstanding belief that I'm bad at math. And, despite having forgotten pretty much everything I learned, today it gives me hope that I could always learn how to code if writing becomes an obsolete skill.

Anarchy: Ready to like government even less than you already do? This is probably the best book I read in my undergraduate career. It's very accessible compared to other philosophical texts and makes the reader reconsider the role of government in a context so much broader than conservative-vs.-liberal. It skips the debate over whether women and minorities should be denied basic human rights because Don't Tread On Me (or whatever justification those wacky Republicans are spouting these days) and gets to the heart of the philosophical issue concerning government: What gives the government its authority? And once you read it, you feel so much more entitled to enjoy the Sex Pistols. 

The problem of evil: If you've ever questioned how an all-loving and all-powerful God could let good people die or terrible disasters strike, you've already begun to ponder the problem of evil, the philosophical question that attempts to reconcile the existence of evil with the existence of a God that is infinitely good and capable of preventing evil. I don't remember the last time I went to church, so you can probably guess what I think of any proposed solutions to this problem on the part of the theist.

Determinism: According to determinism, every action we take is caused by prior events, and, with these conditions being such that they are, we couldn't have taken any other action. Therefore, we do not have free will. This is another position that lots of people, myself included, initially reject. After all, we all want to think our future is totally open-ended—maybe we'll pack a salad for lunch tomorrow, instead of going to McDonald's for the third day in the row. But the sad truth is, because of the other circumstances in our lives, we were never going to actually pack that salad. We were always gonna be shame eating those McNuggets in our car. 

Parents, Fox News was right. Send your children to liberal arts colleges, and they WILL return to you anarchist atheists with acute depressive disorders. Perhaps more worryingly, they will also know a bunch of words you don't.