FAQ: The Running Edition

PSA: Please do not feel obligated to ask me about running. I really appreciate it, because I love talking about it, but I feel guilty because I suspect people who are just making polite inquiries end up getting an earful or five more than they signed up for. So if you are not at least sort of interested, don't feel like you have to ask. 

In an attempt to streamline conversation, I've compiled some frequently asked questions I get about running, and my answers. As anyone who has actually talked to me about this knows, I am more than happy to go into further detail, especially if it's to do with bodily functions. (Again, please don't feel like you have to ask.) 

What do you think about while you run?

How cute that dog that just walked by is. The stiffness in any given part of my lower body. The awkward interaction I had with an acquaintance the other day. How much hair is in my bathroom sink. How flawless Beyoncé is. How genius Hamilton is. How basic I am for loving Beyoncé and Hamilton so much. The things I want to buy. What I'm going to eat later. Whether or not the cramping in my stomach will be resolved with a fart, or if I need to start scoping out an appropriate place to squat. How pissed off I am that human dumpster fire Donald Trump is somehow president. How I should delete this particular song from my playlist because it's not doing anything for me anymore. The blister forming on my pinky toe. How excited I am for The Last Jedi. Whether or not I can make it across the busy intersection or if I need to go a little ways down the side street.

Does it hurt your [body part]?

Yes, sometimes, a little. 

Have you always been a runner?

Nope! Running has always been my preferred form of exercise when forced to pick, but that's just because I lack strength, aim, speed and coordination. While social pressure had me participating in track and cross country in junior high and I did walk-run intervals (that were primarily walking) on the treadmill throughout high school and college summers, I was never a habitual runner and I never went further than a 5k. Then I graduated from college and I had a lot free time, which I initially filled with eating out and drinking. That was fun for about six months, even though it was making me poor and fat. Then the novelty wore off and it was pretty much just making me poor and fat. I initially ran to fix the fat part, but I started liking it and did it so much that it helped the poor part, too. (Marathon registration is equivalent to about four dinners and drinks.) 

Do you have to stop to go to the bathroom when you're running for a long time?

It's the one consistent in my life. The three things bears and I have in common: Furry, may attack unprovoked, and shit in the woods. 

Since you run so much, can you just eat whatever you want?

No. The depressing thing about sports nutrition is that when you reach the point where you need to eat an insane amount of food just to fuel your run is that said insane amount of food has to have decent nutritional value. I by no means subsist solely on veggies and chicken breasts, but in order to have the energy to run (without shitting myself), I can only have about half of the pastries and ice cream I would like to. Excessively greasy food is also out. 

You're gonna go run in this weather?

Yep. The treadmill is to be avoided at nearly all costs. When it's truly too frigid/windy/wet to run outdoors and the workout can't be deferred, I can handle about an hour on the treadmill, which is longer than most runners who are accustomed to running outside are willing to go. Also, I primarily get people reacting with surprise when I'm running in the cold, but what non-runners often don't realize is a 30-degree run is often more comfortable than a 70-degree run—especially after the first couple miles. 

Do you get a runner's high?

Absolutely, and I think most people who claim they don't get one haven't actually run long enough to hit it—mine seems to kick in around mile six (sorry, people trying to get into running, I know that's not what you want to hear). And of course, it doesn't always happen during the run, but there is no better tired than the tired you are the afternoon following your weekend long run.

Now that you've done [race], are you going to do [other race]?

I ran my first-ever half on May 1, 2016. People asked if I was going to do another, and I did. People asked if I was ever going to do a full marathon, and, two weeks ago, I did. Now people are asking if I'll do another marathon. (Probably, but I doubt it will be in the next year.) Some people even ask if I'll ever do an ultra marathon. (Unlikely, but stranger things have happened—like me running a marathon, period.) Not to get all Michael Bolton, but as cool as it is to know that I can Go the Distance, at some point, it has to be a little less about harder/better/faster/stronger and more about just chasing the aforementioned high. Because, in answer to the most frequently asked question, yes, I do actually enjoy running.