Stuff I (Begrudingly) Know About Now That I Am Old

A thing about aging is that the longer you live, the more knowledge you acquire. (Tune in for my next groundbreaking report, local bear shits in woods, tonight at ten.) Broadly speaking, this is neat. When I was twelve I didn’t know about the microbiome, or how to curl my own hair, or that the Donner Party was actually 87 people and not just, like, one family. These are all fun things to know!

But there is a dark side of living and learning, and that is that you have to accumulate knowledge of things that either bore you to death or just bum you the fuck out.

Here are some of the things I have learned that I wish I hadn’t:

Which foods give me the worst heartburn.
Which foods make me the most gassy. Lookin’ at you, chickpeas.
Alcohol is poison. Tasty, tasty poison.
The best way to treat any minor affliction of the lady bits. It’s boric acid.
The importance of both dynamic and static stretching routines.
As you age, you will start growing a few random, wiry chin hairs for no apparent reason, other than to reinforce the idea that life is suffering.
Even if you are generally at peace with aging, nothing prepares you for the horror of finding a gray pube.
The general workings of the Electoral College. Thank you, 2016, now please go fuck yourself.
I should have opened a high-yield savings account 20 years sooner than I did. (Mom, dad, where were you on this one?!)
The difference between a high-deductible and traditional insurance plan.
How a 401(k) works and why you absolutely have to contribute to yours if your employer matches, even if you are only making $32,000 a year and have $300 monthly student loan payments, because otherwise you’re throwing away free money.
All about stocks, equity, IPOs, VC, funding. I know just enough about these things to still feel like I’m baby around people who are Into this type of thing, but also to feel douchey when I can explain the basics to people who know nothing about it.
Why interest rates matter. Currently trying to survive a 6.75% mortgage rate and before any Boomers or Gen Xers come at this with “but in the 80s—!” please check yourself and realize that a dollar bought twice as much real estate then.
How much it costs to put in a new sewer line. It’s $33,000, and also, your will to live.
Amazon Prime is how they getcha.
Actually, subscription models in general are a trap.
Managing up well is the single most important skill in corporate America.
Hope is not a viable budget or career plan.
Relationships—romantic and platonic and familial—are like houseplants. They all need individualized tending and sometimes no matter how hard you try, they are going to die.
Money is a construct. Race is a construct. Gender is a construct. Everything is just made up! Usually in a way that primarily benefits white men! Fuck!