Requests For My Funeral

This year has been bookended by the deaths of two of my favorite icons, David Bowie and Carrie Fisher. 2016 also saw the death of my faith in democracy, common sense and humanity in general. Between all these great people dying and my suspicions that the End Times are surely near for all of us, I've had cause to really ponder my own mortality. I'm less concerned about what happens after we die in the spiritual/metaphysical sense and more concerned about what happens after we die in the sense of not wanting anyone to eulogize me using a trite phrase like, "She loved with her whole heart." 

After much reflection, here are some additional specifications I have for my last rites: 

Don't bother calling it a memorial service in an attempt to sound less maudlin. Everyone is going to refer to it as a funeral anyway. 

The service will begin with 5K/1-mile fun run, because there's an 84% chance my death was somehow running related (hit by car, murdered by bush-hiding rapist). This do in remembrance of me. 

At some point, everyone should take a moment to get out their phones and follow me on Instagram (if you don't have an account, the creation of one will be mandatory) so that later we can pretend I was way more internet-popular than I actually was. 

An open casket is permitted if I did not waste away prior to dying or have a gruesome cause of death. But no one is allowed to shave my legs or armpits if they were not shaved when I died. 

It is my wish to be buried with my cat's ashes, assuming I outlive him. If I do not outlive him, I expect him to be present at the funeral so he can hopefully come to terms with my tragic demise.

I would like someone to explore the possibility of Target sponsoring my funeral. The key takeaway from my funeral should be to expect more and pay less.

"Hear You Me" by Jimmy Eat World must be played at least once, possibly while a slideshow of photos carefully curated to make my life look significantly more meaningful than it was plays on a projector. 

I don't care where it's held as long as it's not at a church. I'm dead, but I'm still not fooling anybody.