Am I Pulling Off This Pleather Crop Top? (And Other Sartorial Quandries)

Women's fashion is wild. I mean, back in Ye Olden Days an ankle was like, super slutty and now crop tops are A Thing. And I know no one wants to remember how we all thought gauchos were a good thing to put on our bodies back in the early 2000s, but those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. 

I'm not saying men's fashion is always sensible or convenient, but I think even the neckbeardiest #NotAllMen types among us would concede that women definitely drew the short stick when it comes to style and user experience. Case in point: There's not a dude on the homepage of popcornshirt.com. I don't know what's more baffling: The existence of popcorn shirts, the existence of a site devoted solely to selling them or said site's audacious claim that popcorn shirts are flattering on everybody. I can't think of a good reason for any of this, other than that there is no god. 

A few other fashion-related puzzlements I'd be glad to hear some explanation for: 

Why I can't find dress pants. I feel it's unfair that I can fluctuate between two to four pant sizes (depending on the store) and remain unable to fit a pair of dress pants that fit me. I was recently excited to be having the very terrible #FirstWorldProblem of having to decide if a 0 or a 2 fit me better at Express, until I realized that I could lose every ounce of fat on my body and I would still be stuck between pants that were either slightly too baggy or too tight to scream Young Professional. And in either case: Said pants have to be ankle pants, because those are the only kind that I can buy without having hemmed. 

Why we don't have a word for dress pants that isn't "slacks." Slacks is for me what moist is for 95% of the populace. 

Urban Decay's branding. I love Urban Decay. It's the only makeup I've used for years now. (Their Naked palettes and eye primer, in particular, are amazing.) The main downside of using Urban Decay products is their edgelord branding, including, but not limited to, lipstick with shade names like Gash, eyeliners called Walk of Shame and eyeshadow colors such as Asphyxia. While these shade names might be helpful to, say, My Chemical Romance as they're hard at work writing the next anthem for white, upper middle class 14-year-olds everywhere, I, a white, upper middle class 24-year-old, am at least self aware enough to feel more than a little tool-y whilst applying an eyeshadow named Sin.  

Cloth to price ratio. It seems like the sheerer something is, the more I am expected to pay for it. Some of the most expensive women's clothing items are lingerie and bikinis, which, by design, do not involve a lot of coverage. Don't worry, my previously expressed desire to have this explained to me is mostly rhetorical; I know that I can thank the patriarchy for this one. 

Why American Eagle wants me to buy jeggings so badly. American Eagle, I am a repeat customer because your jeans—your actual denim pants, a clothing item that you may recognize as somewhat popular with the masses—fit me great no matter what size I am at the time, and you always have short sizes in your stores. But you prefer to ignore my commitment to your jeans, hiding them further back in the store, and push your stupid jeggings in my face. Listen: When I wear jeans, it's because I don't want to be wearing leggings, and when I wear leggings, it's because I don't want to be wearing jeans. Never have I ever wished I was wearing some gross amalgam of the two. 

Leggings controversy. I think the whole "do leggings count as pants" debate has died down in recent years, but in case anyone is wondering we were landed on that: Yes, yes they do. Guys who don't think legging count as pants: Your opinion is meaningless. Girls who don't think leggings count as pants: Who hurt you? 

Animal print. I understand that it's not against the Rules of Fashion™, but I personally think it should be. 

But to close on a happy note: I am vindicated by a recent turn in men's fashion! Finally something is being done about cargo shorts. We can only pray that the same may soon be said of ugly shoes. 

EDITOR'S NOTE: Though this post's title may imply otherwise, the author has never attempted to wear a pleather crop top and has no intention to actually do so.